When I was in high school every song that I listened to had meaning to me. The meaning wasn’t more than the simple thoughts of “does he like me?” or “why doesn’t he like me?”
When I was in college, and the years following, the same remained to be true: songs had meaning in my life. Never were the songs as simple to me as they were when I was in high school. They transformed me. My thoughts would take over: “Am I doing the right thing?”, “Who am I?”, “Does he love me?”, “Is he the one?”, “God what are you doing?”, and “Am I ready for what God has for me?”.
Now that I am married and have my first child, I have been tired. So tired that some days I wonder what role music plays in my life any more. I used to live by it… The lyrics that someone had so purposefully written had matched the cry of my heart in one way or another. But until recently that meaning had been lost.
Yesterday was one of those days that changes everything… I don’t know what was wrong with Charlie but she was a mess. People keep telling me she is now in this stage of finding her voice and will forever be fighting her sinful nature… I believe them, and boy was I feeling run down. On top of that, Caleb was gone running errands for the coffee shop for the day. When he got home we went to meet my mom for dinner (which in and of itself is a HUGE battle for me with all of my food allergies. I know people, I can only eat your steamed veggies without getting and I’m not shocked by that anymore). But last night was different, Charlie was a complete mess. Everyone else seemed to handle it fine but with being with her all day I just about wanted to scream at even the look of defiance in my little girl’s eyes.
And to add to all of that, all I could think about were the kids who were supposed to be around that table with us. Our kids from the Congo. I thought about them all day yesterday. I thought about them when Charlie smiled, when she screamed, when she was napping, when I was cleaning… I just thought about them. I wondered where they were at, if they were safe in the orphanage yet, what their stories were, if they were healthy or not…
Before we went to dinner last night Caleb got home and I was able to jump in the shower and, for the first time in a long time, I wanted music playing in the background – something that would relax me. So I turned on my “Kari Jobe” station on Pandora Radio, hopped into the shower and let the hot water soak into my skin. I didn’t even hear most of the songs until one of my all time favorites came on: “Love is Waiting” by Brooke Fraser.
My heart rate slowed. My muscles relaxed. A smile spread across my face. And I am sure that if the hot water wasn’t running down my face, I would have felt tears – happy, sad, or both I’m not sure. This was the first time in a long time that music had meaning to me.
I used to listen to this song back when I lived in Arizona wondering who my husband would be. I prayed these words – prayed that I would wait and honor God with my waiting for the one He made for me. I longed these words, often so much that it would make me sad that I hadn’t found this love yet… My head would spin knowing that someday, God would bring the right man into my life.
And once I met Caleb, I would sing this song about him… I knew before we dated there was something special about him! I just didn’t know that this was the one that God had prepared me for my whole life.
After we got married I stopped singing this song. I didn’t need to wait for my husband anymore… I didn’t need to wonder who he was or what he was doing. I didn’t need to question what God was planning for us. So I stopped praying this song.
But yesterday, when I was in the shower, my heart broke the silence and the prayer resonated from the depths of my soul. Not for Caleb, not wondering what God was doing in my life… I was singing for our kids. My kids. I kept thinking, “I’m waiting for you, I will do whatever I can, whatever God allows me to do to get to you.”
Another prayer came out from this song. I prayed that my kids would somehow, in the depths of their souls would know that we are out here waiting for them. Praying for them. Loving them. Fighting for them.
So I did it… no, that’s not even right to say – God did it. He brought meaning back to the songs. That day – in the shower of all places – God filled my soul with a prayer, a song, a passion, a dream.
This is for my babies. Whether it’s two boys or a boy and a girl this is my prayer for them. This is my heart for them. And I think even more than that, this is God’s heart for them.