**I’m going to be posting for a little while about some things that people need to know about adoption lingo and questions that are often asked of those touched by adoption. Any posts about this will be titled with “Just so you know…” in it. Please feel free to comment or message me with any questions you might have about adoption, being adopted, adopting, etc. If I don’t know the answers or if I know someone who might better be able to answer them, I will have them guest blog about it for me. Remember, adoption is a sensitive subject and needs to be addressed respectfully, but any comments/questions will be responded to in a non-judgmental way. Thanks guys!**
A lot of people ask me what it is like to adopt after being adopted myself. And I have to say that, honestly, sometimes it can be really annoying. Sometimes it can be really insightful into my own adoption and how I function. Sometimes it can be exciting. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. Not sure if that makes much sense but I know that God is using this to grow me into an even better mommy for my kids!
Let me explain a little bit about why it can be annoying:
When I hear a question that differentiates between my “real” kid and my “adopted” kids, it makes me wonder if I am ordering a doll or something without life, in the mail. I promise you, my biological and my adopted kids are all my “real” kids. They all have hearts, lungs, and blood in their veins. It’s also frustrating for me when you ask about their “real” mom. I’m very real, I promise you that. 🙂 …all joking aside, as an adopted kid who is adopting kids, there are some things that you may say about my kids that also apply to myself, causing me to have to pray really hard that God will give my kids and I a few things: grace, confidence in the fact that we are chosen, and understanding in where people are coming from.
Now, I know that seems a bit harsh and I know that people don’t quite understand why this can be hurtful, however, I want you to know that the question about “real” versus “adopted” kids can damage anyone related to the adoption or adoptee in some way, at the core. This is because our whole lives we, as people who have been given up, frequently battle the lie that Satan gives us that we are not wanted, nor were we chosen. I think in the depths of our hearts, everyone battles with that lie. So to hear someone comment as though the adoptee is not “real” reaffirms that lie.
From the other side of things, it also frustrates me that people get their panties in a wad over this… Because I’m adopting, I understand where parents come from with this – trust me I do! But I also grew up with this statement whirling around in my head and, more importantly, in my heart. And with this word “real” constantly being brought to my attention, I also know that it’s not said with any cruelty. I know that it’s said from not knowing – not understanding the impact that those words can have on a person.
I also know that as adoptive parents, or even just people who have been around a lot of adoptions, it is our job to educate. It is our job to encourage our community to grow. It is our job to love regardless of the pain it may cause us to hear this. And honestly, as someone who is adopted, it as made me question what “real” really means… And in that questioning, God has shown me His true heart for the adopting and the adoptees. That, I can honestly say, is something that has formed who I am in Him almost more than anything else. Not only have I been saved and redeemed but I have been adopted in more ways than one. And God is my “real” Father even more that my dad was, and he was incredible – praise God for that!
My desire for this post is not to make anyone feel bad. It’s not to point fingers. It’s not even to get pity for my-adopted-self. No, instead this is to say, “its okay to make mistakes in what we say”. It’s to declare that I will choose to educate, to love, to understand, to grow from statements that are said without the knowledge that we have.
**I hope to post frequently about things that might help others to understand what is okay and what isn’t okay to say or do around those who are touched by adoption in one way or the other. If you ever have any questions, please know that this is a safe place, I will not be angry or hurt. I am very open to any of these things as long as the questions are asked with a desire to respectfully learn**