November 11th

My dearest Bentley,

Do you know what today is? Today is your 3rd birthday. On this day, 3 years ago, your beautiful biological mother labored in pain to bring you into our world. I don’t know how long she was in labor. I don’t even know if you were born in a hospital… But I do know this: your first Mommy introduced you into this incredibly big, beautiful, and sometimes scary world. For this I am thankful.

We have never met. We don’t know how it feels to hug each other. We don’t know how we will interact with each other. We don’t know how our hands feel wrapped around each other.

I don’t know if you even like to be hugged. I don’t know if you have any nicknames. I don’t know your favorite color, food, song, story, or even your favorite time of year. I don’t know what makes you laugh and I don’t know what makes you cry – even worse, I don’t know what comforts you or if you get comforted…

I do, however, know the depth of emotions you carry in your dark brown eyes. I know that your hands are adorably squeezable and as cute as they come. And I know that in this past year you have grown so much…

We were hoping to have you home by your birthday. I dreamt of being able to bake you a cake and having balloons floating through the house. I often lingered on the thought that, more than anything, I would hug you and hold you close on your birthday. I joked that if I could just hold you on your birthday, you might pop because I would squeeze you so tight to my chest. I thought about the fun superhero cape you might be running through the house in, and the laughter that would burst from your very full belly…

Instead, my heart aches more than I think it ever has before. I miss you even though I have never met you. And I wish I could give you all of the love in the world. I want you to know how passionately our God loves you. I want you to understand that His heart is fighting fiercely for you in ways that we may never see or understand. I want you to know you have a little sister who already adores you – she kisses your picture multiple times a day! And your daddy?? He cannot wait to teach you how to shoot a bow and arrow, to wrestle with you, to have Nerf gun wars and to tuck you in tight at night. I want you to know the depth of our love for you – even though you may not accept or grasp it for a very long time.

I wonder what you are doing today? Do you even know it’s your birthday? I wonder if you were able to play a little extra today, or if your new older brother, Easton, stuck extra close to you?? I wonder how God held you today? Because I know He did.

I wasn’t able to buy any balloons for your birthday today, it was almost to difficult to bare. I couldn’t bring myself to buy you any gifts – what if, by the time you come home, they aren’t the right size or age for you? And that cake I was planning to get – I just couldn’t do it. But I did think about you all day. I prayed for you as often as I could…

And tonight, as you are sleeping, I pray that you have gentle and sweet dreams. Sweet kisses from Jesus that make you feel at home in His arms… And I pray that you know how high, how deep, and how strong our God’s love is for you!

My dearest Bentley, we love you more than words can say. I hope you had a day filled with more blessings than you have ever known!


Mommy, Daddy & Charlie


2 thoughts on “November 11th

  1. …and here come the water works! Praying for you guys and for your boys – that God would bring them home to you soon and that He would comfort your anxious hearts in the meantime. Love you guys!

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